Indecision vs Determination
by Nomura Hiroyo
Summary: Sasuke leaves Orochimaru and finds out the truth behind the Uchiha massacre. He starts writing journal entries to help him vent and sort out everything.
1. Sasuke's Diary

Sasuke looked around the corner, hoping his brother was there. He wasn't. As he rounded the corner and kept running, Orochimaru's voice whispered words into his head; words that echoed around his skull and hurt badly. "He doesn't love you," the voice said. "Madara was lying. The only reason he didn't kill you along with your parents is because you were weak. You are _weak_, Sasuke. You couldn't even save yourself." With tears in his eyes, he kept running. He left the complex where he had trained for so long with Orochimaru and ran. Running across the desert was the only solace he could find, short of killing himself. If only he could just find Itachi and ask him if it was true. Then he would know for sure and prove that the whispers were wrong. His brother wasn't so cruel as they said, surely...

-------Several Days Later-------

Day 1

It hurts. It feels like the pain should have killed me by now, but it hasn't. Orochimaru said that he was the only way for me to gain more power, but Kakashi-sensei taught me more than HE ever did...It's late. Naruto's voice before I left keeps repeating in my head: You don't have to do this, Sasuke.

I'm sorry, everybody. I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to.

Day 3

Naruto found where I am and stopped in. He started an argument with me again over what I'm doing. I don't think he believes that I will find Itachi and ask him what he killed the clan for. Did he really do it for the village, like Madara said? Or was it just for him to test his strength, like Orochimaru said?

Day 7

Naruto came again, and this time he brought Sakura. As if that could get me to go back. Pfft. She started crying over me again, like she always does. Some of the things she said really bother me, though. She asked me why I was really doing this. I even remember her exact words, and my response to them. I know I hurt her, though. She brought up some bothersome questions...and she started crying when I got carried away and shouted at her. Here's what we said:

"Go away, Sakura. I told Naruto not to bring you."

"Why are you doing this, Sasuke? Do you really want to kill the only family you have left?"

"What do you know about it? When I left for Orochimaru, you did the same thing and started crying because of me. Why did I think it would be any different now? You still have that misguided crush on me that you've had since we were ten. Why are you still chasing after me? Just go."

"You're avoiding the question. Why are you doing this? What will this do for you? At least tell me _something_!"

"No, Sakura! You don't need to know anything. You don't know how lonely it gets when you don't have a family. Think about it! My entire family is dead except my psychopathic mass-murder of a brother. I don't want to have any family at all if having him is the alternative. He hates me! He killed my parents! Now, tell me this: Why do you care so much!?"

That's where she turned and left. I couldn't help it, I blew up. Everything, every hateful feeling, every...every murderous thought I had ever had came out all at once and I started shouting at her. I need to sort out all of this as soon as I can.

Day 10

My ideas are all clear now. I will kill my brother because he killed the only family I will ever have.

He murdered my family in cold blood.

I will not forgive that.

Day 11

I'm getting stronger, I can feel it. In a few days I would be strong enough to find that man and kill him. My entire existence is hung on that moment. Naruto and Sakura haven't visited for a while. I think they finally got the message that I don't want to see them anymore. This is an improvement.

Day 12

Today. THEY. Came.

AGAIN.

They're being very persistent. It gets on my nerves. They know very well by now that I'm not coming back until That Man is dead.

Sakura argued again. It's annoying how she always knows exactly how to get on my nerves and into my head. Today it was more of the "Why can't I stay by your side" crap that she spouted last time. I snapped again. She doesn't understand! Nobody understands! Everybody else has some person that they can look up to and use as their example of a good adult, like a "I wanna be like this person" type of thing. I don't have that. I never DID have that. They all have cozy little lives with their families and friends all around them, praising their every word. They can have that. I'm better off by myself.

First chapter of my first fic, I'm so excited! I'm surprised that my obsession went this far, honestly...yeah. Read and tell me what you think! Give me a reason to keep writing it, because, frankly, I'm the kind of person that starts something and never finishes it. I need a reason to finish something, and having an audience is usually a good enough reason to keep going. Thank you!

Nomura


	2. The Mystery ScrollSetter

Day 16

I dropped in on one of the wind's villages yesterday. The guards at the gate were talking about "the stray Leaf ninja" and how much trouble he was giving the Hokage. I decided that sometime soon I'll have to drop a line to the Fifth and let her know I'm still around. I could use a challenge. When I get to Konohagakure, I'll go at night when lady Tsunade is out drinking. I'll go to the Hokage mansion and leave a note on her desk. I'll figure out what I'll say tomorrow. For now, I need sleep.

Day 17

I know that I get really angry when I think too much about something, but today I couldn't help it. I can't stop thinking about what she said and how serious she was. Before, it was like there wasn't a real, thought-out reason behind anything she tried to do for me. Last time, though....One of the things she said when I left was "Won't you be lonely?" I still remember what I said last time about family. It's just another one of those things I'll have to live without.

I'll be just outside Konohagakure in two days. I'm thinking of writing this in the scroll:

*********************

Tsunade looked at the scroll on her desk. None of the messenger nins, guards, or ANBU knew where it had come from.

"Well, it can't have just appeared out of nowhere! Come on, you're the ANBU, for crap's sake! What I would like to know is-" She was interrupted by a knock on her office door. She sighed. "Come in," she said, and went to sit back down.

The door opened and Sakura walked in. She, too was holding a scroll, not unlike the one lying on the Hokage's desk. All eyes were on her as they waited to find out what she wanted.

"May I speak to you?" She asked timidly.

"Yes, I'll be right there," Tsunade replied. She turned to the rest of the people in the room and said, "Please excuse me for a moment."

Sakura was waiting just outside the doorway. She followed as Tsunade led the way to an empty room. They went in and closed the door, Tsunade motioning for Sakura to sit across from her. "So, what's this all about?"

Sakura sat down and sighed. "It's Sasuke."

"What about Sasuke?"

"I think it's him that left the scroll."

Tsunade was speechless. She had a group of Jonins, all the messenger nins, and the ANBU at her disposal, none of them with any leads, and now her apprentice was sitting in front of her, able to say with some certainty that the scroll-setter was Sasuke. This was too good to be true. _Calm down, Tsunade. There must be a good reason for this..._she told herself.

"And what makes you think that, Sakura?"

"Well...for one thing, it's his writing on the scroll, and-"

"Wait, you're telling me you got a scroll, too?"

"Yes, me and Naruto."

"Well, where's Naruto?"

"He left-" She didn't get to finish her sentence because as soon as she said that, the Hokage jumped out of her seat and ran for the door. When she got back to the office, everyone was still there. "Everyone!" shs shouted, "Follow Naruto and tell him I sent you to find out where Sasuke is. I'll read the scroll again and see if I can find any more clues. GO!"

Everyone scattered, either glad to have an excuse to leave or happy to have a lead on who the mystery scroll was from. They all left to do what the Fifth had told them to do, and after the flurry of activity left the office, only Sakura and Tsunade were left. They exchanged a look. Sakura nodded in understanding and left.

Yay, second chapter!! This is coming to me a whole lot faster than I thought it would, but I'm also on spring break right now, so that might have something to do with it...haha. Sorry about suddenly changing the POV in the middle of the chapter, I couldn't think of anything else for Sasuke to say in his journal...And I needed some way to show Tsunade's reaction to the scroll...and it's hard for me to constantly write in one POV for more than a certain period of time. Doing first person was starting to get on my nerves...I started the fic in a very bad mood, so it was easy for me to write the arguments, but now that I'm bringing in more characters, I needed some way to show what all the characters are doing at a given time. I'll try to keep it going this way, if there are any suggestions anybody has, they'll be much appreciated!

Nomura


	3. Ramen

Naruto didn't have any idea where he was going to go, but he knew that his destination was wherever Sasuke was. He ran on, scroll still tightly grasped in his hand. 'Naruto,' it said, 'this is one of three scrolls I'm leaving in Konoha. The second is with one of out former team members, the third with that person's mentor. I need you to figure out who the second person is and get their scroll, then bring it to me. Try to do this before they read it and decide to come after me. One more thing: Pack your bag. Bring food, water, a magnifying glass, all the scrolls on genjutsu you can find, and a scroll about the history of Konoha. Sasuke.'

"Naruto!" a voice shouted. He jumped and turned around. It was Sakura.

"What're you doing here?" he asked, internally smacking himself for forgetting the part where he takes the scroll from her.

"You ought to know...you got a scroll from him too, didn't you? Tell the truth." She stood there with her arms crossed, watching as he hemmed and hawed.

"Yeah, uh...about that...Sasuke kinda asked me to take yours before you read it...but from the look on your face, I'd guess you've already read it..."

"I thought it'd be something like that. He must've written yours after mine...." Her face lit up suddenly, as if she'd remembered something. "Oh, I almost forgot, Hinata's looking for you, she said to meet her at Ichiraku Ramen. I wouldn't keep her waiting, if I were you."

Naruto looked up in surprise. Hinata...ramen...with him? He almost knocked Sakura over with his pack as he rushed to leave the clearing, then he remembered:

"Sakura, can you take the pack to Sasuke for me? It has some stuff he asked for in it."

"Of course! We shouldn't keep _either_ of them waiting, _should_ we?" she prodded.

"Okay, okay, I'm going! Thanks for passing on the message!" he shouted over his shoulder as he left. She smirked as he bounded through the trees towards the village.

"Well, that was easy enough," she said as she set off alone to meet Sasuke. Just in case, though, she read Naruto's scroll(he dropped it when he hurried off). She skimmed over it; none of it seemed very important...except the postscript:

'P.S. Meet me in two days at the base of the hollow tree 3.5 miles northwest of the ground where we trained with the bells.'

_He's such a retard..._she thought to herself. _He wasn't even going in the right direction!_

************************

Hinata stood outside Ichiraku Ramen, wondering why Naruto had asked her to meet him there. _maybe he does like me, after all...but he hangs out with Sakura so much, why would he notice me? I never talk to him at all, I'm too shy...Why would he want to see me?_ Just then, she saw(through a building) Naruto running full tilt toward the restaurant. a few minutes later, he stood in front of her, doubled over and panting.

"Hey...Hinata...I hope...your waiting...not too...long?" He was having trouble catching his breath. Hinata, at least, was glad that she wasn't the only one that was bright red.

"N-n-n-no, th-thank you..." she trailed off, surpassing red and turning crimson. Naruto, finally recovered, straightened up and started into the building, then stopped when he noticed that Hinata was still standing where he had left her.

"So, um...are we gonna go in?" he asked her. she nodded, so happy that she was unable to say anything, and followed him into the restaurant.

No-chan here again.....with chapter three! It's the NaruHina date...that Sakura set up so obviously that they didn't even notice. Haha...Sakura is devious. Chapter four is underway, I'm posting as fast as my imagination will let me. New characters coming soon!

Nomura


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